Chapter 05 — Love & Relationships
How do couples argue without damaging the relationship?
Attack the problem, not the person: describe the specific behaviour and its effect on you, avoid 'always' and 'never', and take a twenty-minute break when either of you is physiologically flooded. Repair attempts during a fight predict outcomes better than the topic itself.
Follow-up questions
What are the four predictors of breakup?
Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling — Gottman's 'four horsemen'. Contempt is the single strongest predictor of divorce.
Is it bad to go to bed angry?
Not necessarily. Continuing an argument while exhausted usually escalates it. Agreeing to resume at a set time the next day works better.
How do I bring up a difficult topic?
Open softly with a feeling and a need rather than an accusation, and ask when is a good time rather than launching into it.
When should a couple try therapy?
When the same argument recurs without resolution, when contempt appears, or after a breach of trust. Earlier is dramatically more effective than last-resort.
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